Before I say anything else, I would like to let anyone who reads this page know that Amy is much better and wil be home in a few days. She has had a pretty horrible time (as is to be expected) and will have to take several weeks off work, but she is ok. God is wonderful.
I have also stumbled accross this wonderful blog which I think deserves a plug. It has really cheered me up.

I was up late last night worrying. Things have not been so great inside my head lately. I have had two nights in a row being up late with hysterical panic. I am very grateful to the friends who comforted me, but they can only do so much. I keep having really frightening delusions about God hating me.

I told myself He had predestined me to Hell for being white. No, I didn’t think all white people were predestined to Hell, just me. Other people are white because they are white. It’s not their fault. But for some reason I convince myself “I’m being white on purpose and I’m going to Hell for it”. Yes I realise (now) that that doesn’t make sense. No, I have no desire to “be white on purpose”. If race were a matter of choice, it would be last one I’d choose. I dont want unfair advantages. I want to be a good person. I don’t want to be racist. I don’t even want to benefit indirecty from other people’s racism. But I am white and I do benefit from it. I can’t change my skin colour and God doesn’t want me to. He does want me to try to stop racism, but He doesn’t expect me to singlehandedly make it go away or to change my race.

For similar reasons I was convinced He wanted me to chop my legs off -yes I’m serious about that one. It made sense in my head at the time. It stemmed from the fact that God defends the powerless (which He does) the non sequitur that He must hate the powerful, and the fact that people with no legs are discriminated against and are therfore less powerful than people with legs and so I must chop my legs off to make myself powerless and make God like me. I also thought He would punish me for bing afraid of pain. I’m not even going to attempt to explain that one.

God is not like that. I know that. But knowledge just isn’t enough.